Behold, the gTablet:

Not a great picture, and I can see why Viewsonic isn’t that great of a marketing company if that’s the best they can do. Mine definitely looks much cooler than that, primarily because I am on my third custom Android ROM. That is just a fancy way of saying I’ve replaced the operating system 3 times on it. Android has at best been a hodgepodge of programming from Google, but that sounds like it’s going to be pulled together soon, but until then I would put my poor man’s iPad up against an Apple any day, and come out even at worst.

Since that time 12 months ago, I’ve gone through a lot personally, just some intense emotional struggling. I have had many struggles, some I’m not sure were even warranted, but they were still there, and I’ve had to learn to find a path through some of this stuff. But if this is a confirmation that it’s all done and I should have nothing left to fear for, then I need to step up and live like I believe that. “Fear is the mindkiller…” or so the Bene Gesserit say (Dune reference, just in case you wondered ) and that is true in real life as well.

I received an email from a long-time friend in response to my news, and this is what he said:

Sounds like you beat it this time, but you do realize that there will be a time and place when something will get you that you can’t beat. Because of this inevitability, Paul’s “…and to die is gain” statement bids us to capture just what he means. I don’t mean to be glib, but as we walk with the Lord (abide in Christ) this “…O grave, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” takes on it’s real meaning for us, and makes all the difference in how we live until we kiss this physical life goodbye. And, the way we live, face death and suffering, and die is a major factor in teaching our kids, spouses, and friends the reality of being in Christ and Him being in us.

Hammer. Nail. Head.

I must not fear.

Thanks for reading…

More to come!!

Just as a little background on what I’m pondering today, anyone who reads this blog and knows me personally knows my health situation last fall. I found out in July I had cancer, went on a good diet and exercise program, lost 35 pounds, had a radical prostatectomy in October, and it was all over but the cryin’. That’s typically an Arkansas colloquialism, but it’s literal in this case. I’m not sure what caused it, or what connected the wiring, but I have gone from being a fairly emotional person to being an intensely emotional person. It’s not out there on display all the time, but when it hits, wow. And over the last 9 months, I have looked very deeply inside myself to try to identify the root causes of what is causing this, and I honestly can’t see the roots. I believe that back when I found out, it was mostly fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the future (if there was one), fear of dying, fear of widowing my wife and orphaning my children, fear of wearing Depends or not having a normal love life, just a whoooole lot of fear. Since that time, I’ve been basically cleared having had two normal PSA results, I don’t wear Depends, and while other stuff is still not the same or whatever, I’m alive and reasonably healthy. I honestly have no good cause to be afraid of anything. I don’t FEEL like I’m afraid of anything, and at times, I feel pretty confident. Until “it” hits.

It…that wave, that tsunami, that massive tidal wave of emotions that hits me at any of a thousand inopportune moments. Sometimes it feels like it hits me at some of the most random times for the most random reasons. Seriously. No rhyme or reason whatsoever. Or it hits over a conversation or scenario that is in my mind. Or watching a mildly sappy movie, the type that would have made me roll my eyes a year ago. Or even talking about why I’m emotional these days. There is no one key, there are a million keys. And any of them can unlock that door at any given time.

Is this fear? If so, what am I afraid of? Did I not trust God to heal me/bring me through the valley of the shadow of death last year? Did He not answer me? I believe in my heart that He did, and very well. Two post-op follow-ups were normal. Completely negative. I don’t have to go back for another until my 1 year anniversary. There was no sign of cancer in any spot that I needed to be concerned about, so for all intents and purposes, I’m healed. So, is this fear?

Webster says fear is to be afraid of or to expect with alarm – apprehensive. Yeah, I was all of that. But I don’t feel those things anymore…so what is this? My wife says in all sincerity that I have a hormone imbalance. Good grief, accelerated male menopause? Just shoot me… Seriously, I’ve Googled, and can’t find any support for this, though I can’t rule it out either. Whatever happened, I had a significant rewiring in my psyche over the last 9 months, and it has not been without consequence or impact. There was a point in January/February where I had such a palpable sense of dread that I had a hard time functioning. There were other factors in my atmosphere that impacted this as well, family stresses with my mom and brother, and all of this just felt suffocating. Thankfully, I had a faithful group of friends and loved ones who were diligent to pray and encourage me when I needed it most.

These days, I feel more on the backside of it than the frontside, and while it’s not yet done, I feel more in control of my world and the things I feel. That doesn’t mean it has stopped, just abated to a healthy degree. And you know, maybe a little bit of emotion is a good thing these days. I look around, and there are an awful lot of hard demeanors out there. Maybe we all need to be a little more soft or sappy to our fellow man, but definitely not afraid.

Thanks for reading…

Des

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that am guilty at times of dithering, or not giving a clear answer when I should probably be more definitive. I am trying to work on this, and on giving an answer that is what I think or feel, not necessarily what will make someone else happy. So, this is me being direct and definitive.

Period.

Thanks for reading…

So, as the days pass by, I feel the anxiety of this journey easing, little by little. The flight from Facebook has been a fairly healthy one I suppose, and my teen-aged daughter just deactivated hers in a well-thought-out display of maturity. She is an amazing creature, and I keep hearing a line from “Smokey and the Bandit” ringing in my ears, something about how somebody didn’t come from somebody’s…oh, never mind. Work has definitely been keeping me busy, and when you are busy, you don’t have time to sit and stew about things that you probably shouldn’t be stewing about.

I have also been reminded, over and over, that I have some very dear family & friends, people who truly love me, beyond my faults and idiosyncrasies (tell me you are impressed I worked that word in ) and to the very end of myself. Who aren’t afraid to ask me some questions that I need to explore and learn the answers for. Sometimes they are questions as simple as “what are you truly afraid of”. Questions like that bring you to a decision of sorts, about who and what you trust your mortality to.

The bottom line is, God has brought me into this world, and sustained me for 47 years with little more than a cracked pinky toe, and then chose to let some adversity come into my world for a time. Something that would make me step back, examine my worldview and my beliefs, and realize that while I technically believe the way I ought to, it’s my trust and reliance on Him that is not as sturdy as it should be. I have leaned on myself for a very long time, and have been brought to the stark realization that He can take me out as easily as He brought me in.

As for the raging emotions, I’m considering asking my doc if he installed something extra after taking something out. They have actually been getting better to a degree, though it is still an unexpected journey with them sometimes. I’m just waiting for the hot flashes to begin any day now.

So, to my dear friends, any and all who read this still, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your care and support. The journey isn’t over yet, and some of the ramifications may never resolve, but if they don’t, small price to pay for being able to see my kids grow up. Wouldn’t you agree?

Thanks for reading…

I know a lot of things, some would say I know a lot of trivial things, and I won’t dispute that. You want me on your team in Trivial Pursuit, but, the analogy probably breaks down after that. But of all the things I know, how to see the future isn’t one of them. I know what I think may happen, I know what I hope will happen, I know what I’m afraid may happen, and yet, I have to keep living each day independent of the rest, and let life happen.

It’s an adventure, and the glass is still half FULL… enjoy life, and enjoy the blessings you’ve been given, new and old. Enjoy them to the fullest, and leave it all out on the field.

Thanks for reading…

Where my struggles on a daily basis lay (and this is where I open up to all 2 of you left reading this) is my ability, or inability, to deal with my perspective and/or functionality left to me after my brief struggle with cancer.

If you know the story, the fight was over before I really had time to gird myself and absorb any/many blows. The initial follow-ups seem to say I’m “cured” or at least cancer-free at this time. I should be jubilant, right? I should be out dancing in the streets every day, praising God and shouting it from the mountaintops.

So why am I so bogged down mentally and emotionally? What am I afraid of? Why do I seek affirmation from so many different directions, yet I don’t consistently seek the comfort of the Lord? At times my emotions well up so strongly in me that I feel like I can’t even breathe, and tears are so common for me now as to almost be afraid of them, mainly because I don’t know why they spill half the time. I’m in better physical condition than I’ve been since before I got married, yet any random sore spot nearly sparks panic in me, pushing and massaging, trying to determine if it’s a sore muscle or my next fight with a disease I hate to name.

I’m sure I have an addictive personality, and I initially sought a lot of affirmation from friends and relatives through Facebook, until the amount of time I was spending there became problematic at home. So I deactivated my Facebook profile and fielded the questions from people wondering what went on, and tried to focus myself on my home and my family, and have been struggling on focusing on God. I try hard not to sound blasphemous when talking about my relationship with God, but I’ll just say it…sometimes I feel like I’m screaming at Him to talk to me directly, to show me the purpose for things in my life that don’t seem to make sense to me, and I just can’t seem to hear what He’s saying. Then I read a verse like I Corinthians 10:31 “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”

I want to do that…I want what I experience to bring glory to God, but why do I feel so isolated from Him when I am in that place?

It’s just one of the struggles I deal with each day….

It’s a long (and winding) road, and making it to the end with a minimum of bumps and bruises is the best thing.

Thanks for reading…

Des